I always considered myself a writer. I read A LOT of books as a child. I remember spending many summer days holed up in my room reading a book. I remember being proud of reading Harriet the Spy 8 times. I remember being excited when my mother let me read The Princess Bride, (its said ‘son of a bitch’ on the back cover!). My mother was a writer too. My mother was disabled, legally blind and deaf, so she was very much an introvert. She was a huge Steven King fan. She used to read us Tolkien when we were little. I did really well in school until high school, until the divorce. I was a straight A student. During the divorce my mother started working on a screenplay. She worked on it for a long time. It was about this new ecstasy like drug that got the user so hot their bodies actually exploded. She described one scene of a woman cleaning up the leftovers of her boyfriend with a wet vac, too scared to report his death. The ecstasy drug was harvested from these special bees. She was very well read on bees and beekeeping. One of her many interests. This is from the mind of an avid Steven King fan. She also enjoyed a lot of Xanax and Zima at the time.
I attempted English as one of my many degrees in community college. I liked to learn about writing but I didn’t like the feeling of having to be creative and write. For me it comes and goes. I enjoy it. I enjoy it when its here, when its gone I read. During those community college years I also began to write articles for Associated Content. It was later bought by Yahoo. I think I made a total of $50, but it was fun, it was great. They didn’t pay for poems which I had about 10 at the time but they did pay about $8 for an article and I think you got a penny every time someone viewed it. In 2009 I had a fashion blog I think it might have been on WordPress too I cant remember. It was called Shoe Whore… LOL WHY. I was like 24 I thought it was funny. This was when Facebook was just starting and there was no Instagram yet. I kept up with it for maybe a year or so then I got pregnant and I got rid of it. After my son was born I continued my degree at Rutgers. At Rutgers while studying environmental planning, I used all of my writing skills, inspiration, and energy on 10- 20 page papers. Ugh, so glad those days are over but I still contemplate going back for a Masters in public policy or city and regional planning with a minor in womens studies. Maybe once my daughter is in school. I love the environment of academia.
So this brings me to now. Another stint in writing. But now its different. I cant just act on these creative outbursts and binge my way into isolation. I have a family, obligations, other peoples schedules. I am dealing with a certain amount of guilt. Finding happiness in something that has nothing to do with my children, that actually brings me away from them, lets me forget about life for a moment. Its a conflicting feeling but a healthy one. A feeling that says hey, its me, I’m still here. I forgot about me. I like me. I enjoy me. Its liberating at times. I feel like a cliche. Mom blogger finds herself. But its so true. Its important. And anytime I feel that guilt I remind myself I’m setting the example for my children to take care of themselves. To find that inner happiness that they can always access. Because in the end, all you have is whats in your head.
The original book. I don’t know how it survived all these years.